2 years later

I have this great knack for managing to become instantly bored with an idea that only days (or hours, or minutes) ago I was ecstatic about. Add blogging to the list.

Honestly, life took a hard left turn down the shitter since my last entry over 2 years ago. So I blame that. But I really do enjoy writing. I've always thought of it as talking, also one of my favorite pastimes. Except I can edit myself and don't have to deal with the pesky interruptions of others. I also can get "it" out of my system. What is "it"? Depends on the day. I have a private journal that I've kept for quite a while (no one else's eyes will ever see it) along with Dodge's caringbridge site that I updated quite regularly until he passed away.

For those who don't know my son, Dodge, relapsed in January of 2010 with brain and spinal cord cancer. There really is no secondary treatment for the cancer he had. So we tried this, that and the other thing to no avail. He passed away July 22 of 2010. And nearly 20 months later, here I am.

I considered starting a new blog that deals primarily with bereavement, grief, etc.. But I found myself coming back to the core idea of why I started this blog. I want to remember things. Not just about Dodge. Not about the crazy train ride of my own emotions. But I want to remember my life. I often find myself looking in the mirror and wondering who I was 5 years ago, 2 years ago, 1 year ago. I don't remember a lot. And I don't think that it's normal. As far as I'm concerned abnormal is the new normal so I'm ultimately ok with that.

Grief has changed me to my very core. Some of what I've thought and done I'm not very proud of. It's my eternal excuse for why I can't do this or that. A lot of my ambition has gone out the window. The zest for life hasn't quite come back. I'm not sure if and when it will. The bad emotions usually associated with grief (sadness, anger, bitterness) are still there but they have transformed into a part of my personality. That sounds scary but it's the truth. Putting on a happy face and swallowing a happy pill are not real solutions for me. This is who I am now. I'm still sarcastic and zany (at least I think so) but behind that there's an ocean of emotion. That rhymes.

In a nutshell, I'll continue to post here. I'll probably offend some at some point. Sorry. Sometimes, my humor is construed as mean. Sometimes, I truly am mean. But I'm honest. I'm not shy. I *think* I say what a lot of people would like to. So read on!